I HAZ OVARIEZ and what of it?

I’m ashamed to admit at the age of 21, I have only just truly learned the definition of ‘sexism’ and ‘feminism’. In my little bubble, affectionately known as ‘Callingshite’, I was rarely faced with sexism, the only things I believed to be sexist was the glaringly obviously comments like “Women belong in the kitchen”, however I was not to take that to heart because very few people say things like that and are not joking, admittedly I was unfortunate to have the sexist chemistry teacher that would tell the girls to not worry if they are struggling because “Girls can’t do science.” Other than that there was the “I should be fair with my pronouns when referring to hypothetical/inanimate objects” and to confront boys on the playground when they said other boys “Threw like a girl.” These were fairly petty, the outright sexism can be easier to deal with (sometimes) as they are confrontational, and therefore call for confrontation in return – as well as this, you will not find many people that are willing to agree with such outright claims, so the label ‘sexist’ was far easier to apply. I did not however, know that there was so much more to sexism in 21st century Britain, why would I? This isn’t the middle ages, we are all equal now, right?

In case you were wondering, here is the OED definition of the word ‘feminism’, ‘The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.’ This should put to rest any stereotypes of feminism being a form of ‘man-hating’, if you are sexist towards men or women, you are not a feminist. You can call yourself a feminist, but you’re not one. End of. Piss off. And if you think “Well we/you can vote now, right? There, job done.” I am going to raise a few simple points that will *hopefully* make you realize that feminism still has a long way to go, just saying “Well, it’s come a long way” doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to stop, it is nice to look back on our progress now and then and be thankful that we are born in a time a lot kinder than before, but that does not make today a good day, just a better one.

I’m going to start with my all time biggest pet peeves, “Girls are just so complicated!”. I should probably say that context, with many of these points, is very important as well. There’s a difference between a broken hearted guy, saying this to his mates to make himself feel better, all the while knowing that he doesn’t mean it and his friends aren’t ignorant enough to take it literally too, then to just say it when you haven’t understood one individual’s’ actions and therefore want to label the rest of the female population as ‘complicated’ with negative connotations. There are many reasons why this annoys me, for a start we have a serious case of ‘double standards’, why is it that when a woman acts irrationally it’s down to her being a woman and being ‘so darn complicated’, yet when it’s a man he’s either an asshole, does not get called upon at all, or his act is discussed to try and find the root of his action. How is this fair? Empathy goes a long way, maybe if people tried it a little more then wouldn’t label people as ‘complicated’, at least quite so often. An example of this whole ‘complicated’ label came up recently, a friend of mine was getting close to a girl when she suddenly called it off because she had a long term boyfriend, “Girls are so complicated!”, yet a friend of ours encounters things like this fairly regularly with boys and it’s never “Men are so complicated!” it’s always “Well that guy is an asshole!”. However, cases like this can lead to misogyny which I will come back to later. People are generally complicated beings, I haven’t met a person that isn’t complex in their own way, we are all shaped through our experiences, good and bad and that is what leads us to the decisions we make, people may claim that boys are far more ‘easy to understand’ and ‘laid-back’, but once you get to know a person you know that no one is that simple, and good. What a boring thing to be. Another reason this might occur is sexism towards men, for some reason men are lead to believe that they shouldn’t open up, they shouldn’t show their feelings as openly as women in fear that they will be ‘less of a man’, leading me right to my next point…

Misogyny should also not be tolerated, feminism is the belief that men and women are equal, so as I said before, you can’t be a feminist and also be misogynistic. Calling men ‘pussies’ when they show a bit of emotion, or labelling them as ‘camp’ or ‘gay’, leads to a whole lot of other issues, as well as being completely disgusting behaviour towards men. It may be that women come across more ‘complicated’ than men because they are able to be a little bit more open with the way they express their feelings than most men. By calling them ‘pussies’ or likening them to women, you are actually saying that femininity is a negative thing, and if you add this factor to implying that a man is ‘gay’ you are also implying that being gay is to be ‘less of a man’, are you for real right now? Have you heard yourself recently? If I had a son that didn’t feel that he could be open with his feelings with people, or show certain emotions for the reason that he will be ‘less of a man’, I would know that I had done something seriously wrong, how about you?

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Another far more serious case of misogyny is when it comes to abuse in relationships. Abuse is not about physical strength, it’s about manipulation – any type of person can be an abuser and any type of person can be abused, it is not always necessarily down to sexism when a man beats his girlfriend/wife, however it is sexist to not take a claim from a man being abused by his wife/girlfriend seriously because he is a man. It’s as disgusting and it does exist. Laughing when you hear it (like in a certain Jezza Kyle episode), is as ridiculously ignorant as asking “Why doesn’t he/she just leave them?” It takes a horribly manipulative person to trap someone in an abusive relationship and they be men or women.

If you want proof that all women are different and all men are different, then take a look at these abusers. If we can say “All women are___” and “All men are ___” then what about abusers, etc. Are all men horrible because ‘most guys I know are assholes’, or all women are complicated because ‘most women I know are complicated’? They say that in an average lifetime we meet (more than a wave/smile/small talk) around 5,000 people, assuming half are women that’s only 0000000000.7% of the world’s population, are women you have met and ever will meet. All of them could be vile, racist, sexist, homophobic, wife beaters that eat children and kick puppies, what has that got to do with the rest of the population of women? You know such an insignificant amount of them, what gives you the right to make generalizations. Sure, you could take into account viral videos and stupid Facebook comments that someone has shared on their wall, but bear in mind that you have to do something spectacularly good, downright stupid or something really bad for your video or posts to go viral, that’s assuming you are noticed. What kind of idiot would take that as a good representation of gender?

 

Speaking again of double standards, I have recently viewed a few YT videos on feminism and many of the speakers raise the same point, which I had never really thought of until now. How come, when a girl takes up a leadership position she is labelled ‘bossy’ or ‘a bitch’, yet when a man does it is fine, and often a positive thing? For example, when I worked as a cleaner in Tesco, there was a male manager there, he was a horrible person but a strong leader and everyone applauded him for it, yet the female manager was often called a bitch behind her back, even though on a personal level she was a lot nice, she was no better or worse at her job than the man, yet she was treated differently. When you’re at school you call girls ‘bossy’ when they tell you what to do when there were a lot of ‘bossy’ boys too, yet you rarely hear a boy being referred to as ‘bossy’, even when they’re behaviour is the same

And of course, why is it that girls get picked on more for their looks than boys, not that boys haven’t already been put under massive pressure by the media to have the perfect body (once again, using their masculinity as a weapon against them), but it seems even worse for women. No one should be put under those kind of pressures, but I don’t think it’s a secret that women’s sexuality are far more exploited to sell products than men’s, the worst thing about it is the objectification, I don’t understand how someone could watch a woman being completely objectified and not feel physically sick, but a lot of people don’t, they buy into it or make pervy comments, or laugh along if the context is intended to be comedic.

Comedy is also rife with sexism, and not in the way people may think. There are a lot of good comedians that make sexist jokes, for example Jimmy Carr, and representing the girls we have Victoria Wood, both make sexist jokes yet you know they are not sexist. The joke is always on the stereotype, and these comedians are intelligent enough to make it work. When Jimmy Carr makes a joke about women you know he is making the stereotype look ridiculous, and often makes light hearted fun out of the people that fit into the stereotypes. Same with Victoria Wood, only her jokes are about men. If you laugh with them thinking “It’s funny because what they are saying is true of every woman/man” then you didn’t get the joke, congratulations, you’re a fucking idiot. Just because they are relating the stereotypes to people they know, doesn’t mean that the subject of the joke has changed, I’d suggest maybe you switch to comedians like Jim Davidson and Roseanne Barr accordingly. (I know a lot of people like Roseanne and categorize with the former, but I disagree – sorry guys!).

Sexism towards women, by other women is just as bad as a man being sexist towards a woman, or a man being sexist towards men (as discussed earlier). You want to have the same respect as men? Then show people how it’s done. Who are we trying to impress here? There are only men and women, men that are sexist can not just decide to have the final rule, they can not set the norm because we know we are all equal, imagine a world where men had been viewed as inferior throughout history, it’s exactly the same. So why then would you put yourself in a worse position? Act like we are equal, say that we are equal and one day we will be equal. One day a man will not be called ‘less of a man’ because he chose to stay at home to raise his children, rather than being the breadwinner. On the flip side, a woman would not be viewed as less maternal for being the breadwinner.

So to conclude, sexism doesn’t end because ‘things are a lot better now’. I should not have to work harder to prove my worth just because I am a woman. And if you think that it is acceptable to make someone feel like that, then you can not possibly be a nice person. Nice sexists only exist in the elderly community when a sexist comment from them usually ends in rolling of eyes or a tut. And if you have read all of this, and think I’m just complaining for the sake of it, imagine how all this would have sounded if a man had written it (relevant edits made, of course), how much more seriously would you take it then?

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MTSBYD – EPISODE 4

I was going to write a few in the same post, however I think I will just post this one separately as I haven’t given myself much time but I haven’t posted in a while, I will do a few more tonight.

The Shining (1980)

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick

Written by: Stanley Kubrick (Adapted from the novel by Stephen King)

10/10

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‘The Shining’, or ‘Shinging’ as I keep writing, is a perfect example of how this era of ‘scary movies’ is quite clearly, the best. I may be a little biased as although I’d very much like to, I don’t find new horror films particularly scary due to the fact that they often leave little to the imagination – I don’t want things jumping out at me, they’re always predictable and rarely make me jump. And that’s a pretty big feat considering I’m a fucking pussy. I prefer films that don’t show too much, I often find that the things we think are there are often scarier than the monsters we see on screen, which makes sense, remember all the times you’ve been home alone at night? You get one thought about a ghost or a murderer and you start getting scared, really scared, but there’s nothing there. Or is that just me? I am a fucking pussy after all.

Saying that, The Shining does break away from my idea of a perfect horror film in a lot of ways, you do see a lot of the creepiness. However, it does well in making the audience empathize with the characters, particularly Danny (Danny Lloyd), allowing your imagination to become a little pussy-flap at the idea of a big empty hotel and Danny’s imagination, or ‘Shining’ to create something really creepy. And because it’s an older film, there’s no restless night afterwards! After all, the effects are terrible, but creative – another thing modern, generic horror films lack.

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Since this is such a big film, I was going to write about the three main characters separately..but I really wanted the above graphic in there somewhere. So apologies for this random image, clearly depicting a man’s idea of a woman’s period. Don’t worry guys, it’s not always this bad, this only happens when you wind us up and then say we’re only wound up because we’re ‘probably on our period.’

Okay, so I’m going to start with Mama Torrance, otherwise known as ‘Wendy’ (Shelley Duvall). The reason I’m starting with her is because my opinon is EXTREMELY controversial, depending on how mentally ill you are. Everytime this film is discussed, everyone agrees on one thing, “The wife was pathetic!” and maybe even “That actress was shit.” Well, I disagree. WHAAAAAAT?! I fucking know right! Listen, calm your tits, I shall explain…

Wendy, or ‘Wendgy’ as I just wrote, is a meek character, like a little adorable mouse, but I’m sorry – when she has to fight Jack (Jack Nicholson) off to protect Danny, she is anything but pathetic, and a really good actress. Have you ever been in a situation where you need to be strong but you’re so fucking scared and shocked that you completely forget how to people? You go all weak and wobbly, and Wendy portrayed that perfectly. I completely emphasized with her when she was swinging that axe in front of her and crying like a twat. Yeah, she has annoying mannerisms but she protected Danny just fine, she got stronger when she had to get Danny out of the house and when she finally caught Jack.

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I know the above image doesn’t help my cause, but her face is funny so I included it. Soz mate. 

Now Danny, the best thing about Danny in this whole film, had to have been this:

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HOW FUCKING ADORABLE IS THIS JUMPER!? MY SON WILL OWN THIS JUMPER, AND HIS SON AFTER HIM AND SO ON!

Anyway, Danny is an adorable little brat with magic powers ooooooo – ‘The Shining’, which he shares with a hotel worker named Dick (Scatman Crothers – yes), and he is clearly the best character in the entire film. Danny’s gift is obviously very unsettling for his parents, as they believe he has behavioural problems/psychological issues. Danny’s shining creates many of the most infamous scenes in the film, including ‘redrum’. Danny has an imaginary friend, Tony, however due to the nature of this film, you’re never too sure what is real and what is just a symbol of Jack and Danny’s deteriorating mental state.

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Last, and definintely not least – come on guys, he’s the main character and the best actor in the world (both in my opinion, and actual fact), Jack Nicholson!

I know as far as narrative has gone, I’ve gone for a really random order, however I don’t tend to like posting spoliers, regardless of how old the film is, obviously big films like this it’s fair for me to assume that if you haven’t seen it you at least know the story – especially if you’re a fan of film and have searched for film related blogs, but this is a really good film and I don’t want to risk ruining anything and on the other hand, if I assume people know then it’s a waste of time dwelling on it. So I will be brief when introducing this character, basically he’s a writer that is looking after a hotel for the winter with his family and the previous guy that did this went batshit crazy and killed his family. This begins to happen to Jack and the audience is left to decide if the ‘Shining’ is real, and none of this is Jack’s fault, but a mystical power forcing it to happen, or if he is just batshit crazy!

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Jack is a recovering alcoholic, with a dodgy past when it comes to how he treats his wife and son. However initially he does not come across as a bad person, however Kubrick likes to toy with the idea that human beings have an inherently evil dimension, which surely develops in Torrance’s character, regardless of the power over the hotel. Over the film it is revealed that Jack has hurt his family, emotionally and even physically, most likely due to his alcoholism. 

Of course, Jack Nicholson was perfect for the part – he seems to have no fear in front of the camera to completely let it go, making him an ideal candidate when picking an actor to play the part of a loose cannon. 

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He can be incredibly creepy, he’s not afraid to put everything into a part, regardless of how it makes him appear. Jack’s character was by far, the creepiest element in the whole film. Even more so than those twins and that woman that was all sexy and stuff then became hella old. 

As well as the characters, Kubricks perfect use of mise-en-scene gave the whole film a bleak undertone which was a very strong setting. The location was eerie, spacious but realistic and the long winding corridors is enough to give anyone the willies.

However, although I love this film and I have high praises for its use of creativity, especially when it comes to graphics, this image will always be fucking ridiculous:

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Interview with Jack Nicholson

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Thought I’d share an interview I read online (link below) with my favourite actor, Jack Nicholson.

http://the-talks.com/interviews/jack-nicholson/

Mr. Nicholson, do you often think about dying?

Yes, these are subjects that we think about all the time but don’t necessarily talk about. Everybody has thought about if they want to be cremated, buried, or whatever.

 

What’s your preference?

I want a big 25-foot pink statue that holds my grave. Or I also might like the way the Indians did it. They hang you up on the top of a tree and the birds eat you. No, really I would probably choose cremating.

 

Are there any positive aspects of aging?

Plenty. You are more thoughtful because you don’t act as quickly anymore. When I turned 70 it was the first time I felt young for my age. Fifty dropped on me like a ton of bricks – there is something about that number – but when 70 came along I felt good about it.

 

What made you feel younger?

I don’t know. I mean why relate to a number anyway? I used to be very quick, I would be able to leave the room and be back before you noticed. When you can’t do that anymore you need to change the style of how you do things. But I’m very interested in life and you don’t want to lose that.

What were the highlights of your life?

The first screening of Easy Rider in Cannes, because I had been there before sneaking around. When I was sitting in the screening I realized that I was actually going to be a movie star. When I was over there I was pretty much already thinking about directing because I had been doing movies for 10 or 12 years by then. And everybody said I was good, but being known and not having a big film success is almost tougher than being completely new. It just kind of turned my life around and was definitely a highlight.

 

Do you ever get that same buzz now?

When they say I’m a great actor, I close my ears because it’s not good for you to think that way.

 

You seem pretty confident though.

Well, you know, I put on a good show.

Would you say you’re mean to people?

I’m in the movie business; it’s meant to be very cutthroat. But you won’t find anybody that ever says I cheated them or manipulated them.

Not even girls?

The girls only did that because they missed me more than they thought they would.

Are you a womanizer?

Absolutely.

 

Do you use your acting skills on women?

I never separate.

What do you like the most about women?

I just want them to be a person. I just started a book about how the genders are in two different conversations and it feels like this book was written specifically against me. The male character in that book is my generation and thinks that you have to be your own man, but what the women want is a whole different conversation. She wants reassurance and wants to be supported, yet feels manipulated when it happens. The idea of the book is that we are all talking different languages.

Do you like it when women take the first step?

That would be nice but it doesn’t happen to me. Women are sort of like motorcycle gangs with me. They get really shy and polite. I don’t know why.

What’s your secret?

I’m available.

Are you more of a one-night stand guy or are you more interested in relationships?

Of course I’m capable of being someone’s one-night stand, but I don’t approach it that way.

Do you have a “love of your life”?

More than one unfortunately. At 55 I said the probability is I won’t have another relationship. I just didn’t want to start another family. Between my own bizarre criteria and taste and the fact that I’m not available for many things I thought it was unlikely. Once you know the science about it, I don’t think anybody should consider being committed to a real eternal relationship until you’re through something called the infatuation circle.

How long does that take?

It’s 18 months and it hasn’t changed since the beginning of time. In the first 18 months anything can happen and you are fine with it. For a long time I thought I really loved everything about a girl and then I found out it wasn’t like that.

What about the bizarre criteria you mentioned?

I’m sure I’m something of an egoist in that sense. Who I’m attracted to is not narrow but it’s a high. I’ve also been married once. The mother of my first kid wanted to get married on a Wednesday and on Friday we were married. I always thought it counterproductive to have a policy in this area. If it is difficult to know yourself as an individual, it seems to be more complex as a couple. So if you say, “Oh I like a person who is like this and that,” you might take away the possibility of seeing the only one that might be right for you.

Do you have any regrets in your life?

Not that I can think of. I’m sure there are some, but my mind doesn’t go there. When you look at life retrospectively you rarely regret anything that you did, but you might regret things that you didn’t do.

I DON’T HATE THE POOR!

Okay, so I know that this is a film blog…but let’s face it, no one gives a fuck about my opinions on classic films. So I’m sure you, my couple of followers, will forgive me for this slightly…well extremely, off-topic post. I want you to be aware of this wonderful piece of ‘journalism’, right here.

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2608606/No-ID-no-checks-vouchers-sob-stories-The-truth-shock-food-bank-claims.html

So apparently the Daily Mail are not only racist, xenophobic homophobes, they also hate the poor. So much so that they have sent their scruffiest ‘journalist’ to steal from them. This anti-Robin Hood piece of shit either took it upon himself, or at least agreed to publish a story in which he goes ‘undercover’ and lies to charity in order to show the Britons among us that belong in the giraffe group (Desperate Housewives reference – I’m basically calling DM readers ‘thick’), how easy it is to abuse the system when you’re a lying scum bag.

Seriously, this story made me well up a bit, like actual liquid in my eyes. I AM A woMAN. I DO NOT CRY.

He claims he received the food vouchers ‘no questions asked’, despite being asked many questions. I’m not entirely sure what his angle was, what am I supposed to hate the charitable nature of food banks? Because the way I see it, they were not willing to let a fellow human being go without food. THE SHAME. I don’t know about you, but when I give to charity, I don’t expect the receiver of my donation to succumb to humiliation. Oh hello starving child in Africa, I know you’ve supplied me with all the relevant information I need to want to help you, but I will also require a stool sample, a picture of your mother’s breasts and a human sacrifice, preferably a virgin.

Look, I know that there may be some despicable people in the world that will abuse charities like these, whether it’s to save their food money for drugs, or to make fools of good honest people, or to write a news article about how much they hate the poor, but if I want to take the risk and donate money so that other people may be able to feed their fucking families, I will.

If you hate this newspaper as much as I do, I recommend donating a little bit of money (if you can) to counteract any harm this son-of-a-bitch may have caused.

Text EGGS88 to 70070, followed by £2 (or whatever you want), just think how great it would be for this disgusting little oxygen thief to wake up to the news that the charity he so desperately wanted to put down, actually had a huge rise in charitable donations.

This rant isn’t over, sorry. But the Daily Mail have this whole ‘proud to be British’ bullshit going on, how can you possibly be ‘proud to be British’ when shit like this happens?

The charity itself, makes me proud. The Daily Mail, makes me sick. They seem to believe that by having a country full of people that happened to be born on this land mass is a reason to be proud. No, what makes a country truly great isn’t that. It’s culture, and scenic views but above all, a country that you can be truly proud of is a country worth living in, with people that care about other people. Doing good things, like helping the poor, being kind to one another. Being born here, has nothing to do with that. Please don’t let the very few bad examples that the Daily Mail publish, make you believe that foreign people living here is the cause for Britain’s problems, when it’s actually people that believe that garbage are the main problem. It’s not enough to have a passport with a unicorn on it, you need to get off your ass and do something for someone. You need to help people when they are in need, you need to tolerate the people that you don’t really get on with and you need to love your fellow man unconditionally. Immigrants chose to move here, give them a reason to be proud of their choice. Accept them, make them feel welcome. Asylum seekers don’t get that choice, they are forced to leave their homes and come to a strange new country where they don’t know our culture, they may not even know our language. Why would you treat those people badly? How would feel if that was you, or someone you loved? Do something spectacular. Do something kind. Kindness is the most important thing, the only important thing. Let these people write home to their families and friends, as proud of Britain as you are. Let us be proud, let Europe be proud, let the world be proud and remember – pride comes through achievements, not where your mum opened her legs.

 

So do it, go outside right now (take a coat, it’s Britain) and just be the best person you can be. If you don’t have a coat and it’s raining, just make up a pot of tea, pop some crumpets in the toaster and watch a British film.

 

So this is the most nationalist thing I have ever said, but I like to think it’s true. So God bless the queen and all her corgis,  and fuck Ross Slater and the Daily Mail in the arse. RANT OVER.

 

P.s. Ross, I don’t have much food in at the moment, but I think I have some curly fries and a red onion you can help yourself to, no questions asked.

 

1,001 MTSBYD, Episode 3

Ello… Yeah, here’s some more…

Life of Brian (1979)

Directed by: Terry Jones

Written by: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michel Palin

9/10

As I have said previously, Monty Python is one of the greatest comedic groups of all time, so as you can imagine, ‘Life of Brian’ will make you jizz in your pants. Ew. Sorry.

The film follows a man named Brian (Graham Chapman) who is born in the stable next door to Jesus. Later he attends Jesus’ ‘Sermon on the Mount’ where Brian notices a lady named Judith (Sue Jones-Davies), a rebel that shares his hatred for the Romans. He then joins her rebel group, ‘The People’s Front of Judea’.

This gets ol’ Brian into a heap of trouble. At one point, Brian has to escape guards, in order to ‘blend in’ with the crowds he begins preaching a bunch of religious BS, attracting attention from wannabe followers, unintentionally convincing them that he is the Messiah.

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With all the unwanted attention, Brian is soon captured. His followers, angered by this, form outside Pilate’s…thing. Pilate lets them decide who should be pardoned. As Pilate has a speech impediment (he sounds ‘w’ instead of ‘r’, like Jonathan Ross…or me until the age of about 10…yeah, shut up) the followers just shout any random name with the letter ‘r’ in it to take the piss out of Pilate. Until Judith corrects the crowd. “WELEASE BWIAN!”

However, in order to get their freedom, loads of people claim to be Brian (parodying Spartacus).

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Unfortunately for poor Brian, the wrong man ends up walking free.

His followers and friends, confuse the situation and believe him to be a freedom fighter, and argue for him to remain crucified.

Until the Judean People’s Front (PFJ’s rivals – although they fight the same cause) attack the Romans, however they fail and inadvertantly commit mass suicide. Lol, right? 

The film ends with the song that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen the film. It goes something like this…

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Perhaps that wasn’t the best example, let me try again…

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Perfect.

The plot is a perfect light-hearted parody of the bible, but isn’t really offensive, in fact they have a few, nice atheist messages scattered throughout. For example,

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As well as this, the film features Monty Python’s ridiculous humour, which everyone loves. And if they don’t they’re humourless twats.

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The Muppet Movie (1979)

Director: James Frawley

Writers: Jack Burns, Jerry Juhl

9/10

I love The Muppets, and not just because ‘Muppet’ is such a fun word to say. I love them because I’m a total loser.

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LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM.

Basically, because of the performance above, Kermit is approached by an agent, inspiring him to seek fame.

So Kermit sets of to LA, to find his fortune. How fucking adorable.

On his way he is joined by some muppet friends, including Fozzie and Miss Piggy. Kermit falls for Miss Piggy, who is then kidnapped in order to lure Kermit into a trap. Previously Kermit was approached by Doc Hopper, he wanted Kermit to appear in his Frog’s Legs commercials. Kermit is then brainwashed to do so. However, Miss Piggy uses her kung-fu action to stop Doc Hopper. She then fucks off and leaves a broken-hearted Kermit alone.

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Eventually they are reunited however, and the friends all set off once again. Until Fozzie’s car breaks down and they are stranded in the desert.

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Depressed that they are going to miss their audition, Kermit wanders into the desert alone where he has a vision of himself, not giving up. He returns to the camp to discover that his friend Scooter has turned up to help them get to LA – yay!

Finally, they’ve made it to LA! Or have they? Well actually no, because you’ll guess what – that prick Doc Hopper has hired an assassin to kill Kermit! I know, da fuq right? But yeah, it’s true. His name is Snake Walker (Scott Walker). Kermit and Snake engage in a cowboyesque showdown. Luckily Dr Bunsen is there and totally fucks up his experiment, a pill that makes things grow, turning Animal into a giant. Hopper then runs away like a little pussy.

Finally, they make it to LA. And they all star in their own film, The Muppet Movie. See what they did there? Muppetception!

The Jerk (1979)

Director: Carl Reiner

Writer: Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb

7/10

I remember loving this film when I saw it, however I don’t actually remember the details of the narrative. So I will keep this very brief:

Navin (Steve Martin) is the only white child in a large black family.

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He never really fits in, one of the examples given is how he doesn’t have a sense of rhythm (casually racist stereotype, but it is the 70s). Until he hears this song that I guess is considered to be ‘very white’ and all of a sudden he finds his rhythm! He then decides to leave his little town and discover the world. He sets of to St Louis, along the way he is treated very badly, people using him and him being too stupid to realize. Whilst in St Louis he inadvertently invents something to stop people’s glasses from falling off people’s face or something. He is then screwed over, and I don’t really remember the end. I need to re-watch it, at least I haven’t given much away…unlike my last two posts, sorry about that guys…got a little carried away.

Also, for all the Brits reading, ‘Jerk’ apparently means a stupid person. I remember being explained this, because I was a total ‘jerk’.

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1,001 MTSBYD, Episode 2

Here it is, episode 2. I don’t know why I decided to call them ‘episodes’, I thought it would be quirky…it just makes me sound like a total tit-head.

You’ll also notice that I’ve now added the director and writer under all titles, I will edit it in for the last post too. The reason I included the writer is because I’ve always wanted to go into writing, so I thought I’d show them a bit of recognition.

The Exorcist (1973)

Directed by: William Friedkin

Written by: William Blatty

8/10

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I’m not debating that this is an excellent film and utterly groundbreaking (FYI – I originally wrote ‘broundgreaking’) for its time, however there are a few things you should know before watching this film in 2014 (skip ahead to ‘Chinatown’ if you’re watching this in the 70s).

  • It is vital that you remember that the special effects were good at the time – I know this may sound a bit patronizing, as every film nut automatically goes into this mode when watching an outdated film, however for my next point it is relevant.
  • I laughed at it. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – I’m usually very good at not laughing at outdated special effects because I’m so engrossed with the film. I watched this film with friends and they laughed all the way through it and thought it was shit. I didn’t laugh all the way through, but I found myself chuckling a bit. For example, the scene where she walks in a crab position down the stares. Hilarious. I think maybe because they did try so hard to make this film scary that some of the techniques used are so weird, often in a quirky way, but unfortunately sometimes in a silly way.
  • People did genuinely find this film terrifying, I remember watching a vlog of Marilyn Manson talking about this film, apparently it still shits him up. Pussy.

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Even if you don’t enjoy this film, you can’t deny that it has given us many iconic scenes and has been an inspiration for many film-makers. For that alone it deserves to be on this list. However I really liked it anyway, so fuck you.

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Oh and if anyone’s interested, here is the link to Marilyn Manson’s video, I know you’re probably not but I used to love him when I was kid. I was never a goth, just a bit odd.

Also, I bought a bar of Aero with me to the library today, I keep trying to break pieces off quietly but it’s not happening. Just a fun fact for you all.

Chinatown (1974)

Directed by: Roman Polanski

Written by: Robert Towne

10/10

Polanski’s Chinatown is probably my favourite film, and not just because it has Jack Nicholson in it (he’s my favourite actor) but because I am falling in love with Film Noir – and this is a perfect example of a contemporary Film Noir film.

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The reason why it is such a good example of contemporary Film Noir, is because it not only complies with the conventions of a Film Noir film, but it embraces them. If this was in black and white, and you had no idea who was in it or the director, I don’t see why you wouldn’t come to the conclusion that this film was made during the early Film Noir period – and trust me, that’s a very remarkable thing, unless you hate Film Noir of course. But I’m going to assume you have taste, and you actually love it.

Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of JJ (Jake) Gittes is perfect. Okay so the character may now be perceived as a bit stereotypical – Gittes is very intelligent but also very cynical and ‘stuck in his ways’, although Gittes is definitely not the first character to possess these traits, I’m sure his version became an inspiration behind many similar characters today.

For example, Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister) from Life on Mars. Very classy and intelligent, like Gittes, with an underlying tone of cynicism.

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Life on Mars  is my favourite TV program, I might write a review for that at some point. Please check it out if you haven’t already seen it. It’s about a policeman named Sam Tyler that falls into a coma after being in a car accident and wakes up in 1973. Only a year before Chinatown was filmed. It’s also named after the David Bowie single. David Bowie is my favourite artist. Wow. It’s like fate.

Anyway, back to Chinatown. The Film Noir style of filming makes this film visually stimulating and beautiful. My lecturer has an obsession with Venetian blinds (used a lot in Film Noir films – not just for the decor style, it also creates great lighting effects) , she made us watch a clip of Chinatown in a lecture and waited a few minutes so we could see a shot of Venetian blinds. #truestory

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The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Directed by: Jim Sharman

Written by: Richard O’Brien

7/10

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Who didn’t love this film when they saw it? Well, I imagine quite a lot of people, it’s a very acquired taste with a cult following. It’s weird and wonderful and often very misunderstood.

Tim Curry does a fantastic job at playing Dr Frank-N-Furter. This film is a comedy-musical orgy, celebrating sex and sexy times and sexy things and transvestism and prudes called ‘Janet’ and boobs.

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I think we all know someone that’s seen it live, wearing just a corset and panties and if you don’t, it’s because you’re the one that did it, or you need better friends.

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Dr Frank-N-Furter is forever bored of his sexual partners, so he creates a new one (Rocky). Prior to this, he accepts engaged couple and virgins (Brad and Janet) into his home after they get a flat tire. He then sleeps with them both. Then Meatloaf escapes from his freezer.Then Janet sleeps with Rocky.  Then a bunch of other stuff happens, you’re going to have to watch the film to find out what!

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Directed by: Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones

Written by: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones and Michael Palin

9/10

Monty Python, indisputably one of the best comedy groups of all time. One of the first to have a ‘random’ sense of humour, but it wasn’t all stupid. Whenever someone says they have a ‘random’ sense of humour, I automatically think they’re going to be a royal pain in my arse. So when I say that Monty Python’s sense of humour is ‘random’, I don’t mean to draw parallels between their brilliant comedy and that of an annoying person. When Python is random, there is a sense of intelligence behind it. Meaning it can be as silly as it likes, without being shite.

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The Holy Grail is probably one of Python’s best, resulting in many quotable jokes, that kids know even today. Even if they haven’t seen it. For example:

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Also, fun fact. The joke below:

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Could be read as “Your mother is a rodent” what do rodents do? Fuck. A lot. Therefore, “Your mother is a whore.” Elderberries were used to make wine in Britain, “Your father was an alcoholic”. Neat, huh? Yeah. Shut up.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Directed by: Milos Forman

Written by: Laurence Hauben and Bo Goldman

Novel by: Ken Kesey

10/10

Again, one of my favourite films – and not just because of Jack Nicholson, although I’m pretty sure this film is the reason I became such a  fan of his.

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This film/novel looks at the poor treatment of the mentally ill, and general ignorance of mental illness. Yet the soul of the film (yes, films have souls) is not this. Although there are comments on the treatment of the mentally ill – for example, electric shock therapy and just Nurse Ratched in general, this film is really about the basic human need to be free. McMurphy longed to be free from jail so claimed he  was mentally ill, in the hopes that he’d get to leave sooner, although he soon finds out that this is not the case. McMurphy dedicates his efforts to breakout of the hospital, and not only that – but to instill this sense of freedom in his friends.

Other characters include ‘Chief’, a native american man that cannot speak. However, it turns out he has a big secret. In what can be described as an epic ‘da fuq’ moment. Chief is McMurphy’s closest friend and also shares his dream to be free. Ultimately Chief is the only one that is able to help Mac get his freedom – but I won’t say how, you’ll have to watch it. And when you do, think about what I just wrote.

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Another main character is Nurse Ratched, the bitch. However, it is important to note that although she seems like a massive bell-end, I think it’s fair to say that she doesn’t mean to be, she genuinely thinks her practice is helpful to her patients and there are a few moments when you can tell that she does care for them all deeply. If only she knew that how she was taught to deal with the patients is rarely helpful, and very destructive.

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To see the true destructiveness of her character, you only have to look at Billy. Billy has a stutter and suffers with depression.

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Billy is clearly mollycoddled by his mother and seems to be frightened of disappointing her. There is a lot of speculation to why this is, Nurse Ratched describes Billy’s mother as a close friend, I think it’s obvious that Billy’s relationship with his mother is not abusive in anyway, but Billy seems to fear losing his mother’s approval and love. Perhaps because she has mothered him far too much, and when he fell into depression and attempted suicide she sent him away (to get help), and obviously it was very traumatic for Billy. Nurse Ratched uses Billy’s mother as a threat to Billy, resulting in a very upsetting scene.

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McMurphy finds out that most of his fellow patients live there voluntary, this spurs him on to step up and convince the others that they should be free, commenting on Billy’s age and want for a girlfriend.

Before his attempt at escape, McMurphy invites two friends (probably hookers) into the hospital and throws a party for the ward.

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Jaws (1975)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Written by: Peter Benchley and Carl Gottlieb

5/10

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I’m not going to lie, i was never a fan. It’s a bit of a ‘lads’ film.

It’s about a  shark that kills people in a small town. A police chief, a marine scientist and fisherman try to track down the shark and put a stop to the killings.

Rocky (1976)

Directed by: John G. Avildsen

Written by: Sylvester Stalone

8/10

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I like to think that everyone watched this, even once as a child. Rocky is a boxer that aspires to become a great one, to make a decent living from it and taste fame. However this film is so good because the message it puts out isn’t about boxing or fame (to some degree), it’s about achieving your goals. The famous Rocky montage has been parodied so many times, it’s hard to think of a sitcom that hasn’t done it.

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Stallone was great in this film, apparently he was a terrible boxer in real life and injured his hands so much whilst filming this that his knuckles are now flattened. Ouch.

I’m not a big fan of action films, there are many exceptions though and this is one of them. For me it’s nostalgic, but it’s also very well directed, acted and written with a killer soundtrack. We all know the soundtrack, don’t pretend that you don’t.

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Star Wars (1977)

Directed by: George Lucas

Written by: George Lucas

6/10

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I like Star Wars, but for some reason people think I’m a ‘Star Wars fan’, I’m not. I know some of the references and I liked it, that’s all.

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I think maybe because it’s a legendary film, that if you’re a bit nerdy, others will assume you fawn over it. I’m not saying that I don’t hink it deserves the hype, it does. It was an incredibly ambitious film and I know I will force let my kids watch it.

See what I did there? ‘force’ heh.

Star wars is obviously influential, remember when Family Guy did it? And Robot Chicken? I think Seth Macfarlane might be a fan…

Basically, ‘orphan’ Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), leaves his Aunt and Uncle’s farm to join ‘forces’ with a Han Solo (Harrison Ford), a wookiee named Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) , C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Keny Baker) to save the universe and save Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) from Darth Vader (David Prowse). I know you already know who Darth Vader really is, in relation to Princess Leia and Luke, but on the off chance that you don’t, I won’t say anything else – you’ll have to watch The Empire Strikes Back to find out. But of course, we all know that he is their father. Oh and Luke well fancied Leia in this one, dirty bastard!

But we all wanted her to bang Han anyway…

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It’s such a big film but I’m at a loss for what to actually say about it, so I’ll leave you with this picture…

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Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Directed by: George A. Romero

Written by: George A. Romero

6/10

“When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth.”  – Ooo spooky right? Yeah actually, that quote is pretty spooky. It’s giving me the willies. GET RID OF IT AHHHHHH!

Dawn of the Dead follows a young man named Shaun, as tries to save his friends whilst winning back his girlfriend, Liz. Wrong film? Well that’s a pretty good film too.. Okay.

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I first watched this film with my brother, I quite liked it, however being unfamiliar with the zombie culture I missed a lot of the references. Watching it again a few years ago, I appreciated it a lot more – I’m still not big on zombie films, as in – I haven’t seen many. But understanding it a little bit more, I was able to appreciate Dawn of the Dead’s satirical devices.

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As you can see, the special effects are little to be desired, but I love that kind of thing when watching old(er) films. I mean yes, it is quite funny, but it is also very creative. Although I can’t give the make-up department the same kind of excuse. I mean, seriously?

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I’d suggest watching earlier zombie films before watching this, if you already haven’t. Else you’re at risk of missing the directors wit, like I did.

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Grease (1978)

Directed by: Randal Kleiser

Written by: Bronte Woodard

5/10

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Grease is about two star-crossed lovers, Sandy (Olivia Newton-John) and Danny (John Travolta), trying to come together eve though their social circles are forcing apart, much like Romeo and Juliet, except Grease is shit. I mean it’s great and all, but it’s really shit.

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We all know the songs, we all have a jist of the story. But there are a few elements in this cheesey film that are quite serious, perhaps this is why it is so fondly remembered. Teenagers could actually relate, for example Frenchy. Frenchy is stuck on what to do with her life. She wants to follow her dreams but she discovers that they weren’t what she thought they’d be. She then has to decide whether to go back to school or not.

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Sandy, obviously. She is very childlike and although it is important to note that the film doesn’t actually change her personality (the last scene was clearly her showing the others that she could be like them if she wanted, the only reason she doesn’t is because that isn’t her – not because she can’t), but she does grow up in this film and gains confidence. Enough confidence to get Danny.

Danny learns that some things are more important than impressing his friends and having sex.

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And of course, the most controversial storyline. Rizzo experiences teenage pregnancy and the hard decision of whether she should and can keep her baby.

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The only reason I’ve given it a low score, is because it is very silly. But I think there is a little bit more to it than meets the eye.

Tell me about it, stud.

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Nosferatu: Phantom of the Night (Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht) (1979)

Director: F.W. Murnau

Written by: Henrik Galeen

8/10

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Silent classic based on the story of ‘Dracula’ (written by Bram Stoker). Duh. Just thought I’d let you know. It being one of the first adaptations, means you have to forget about the cheesey Dracula stereotype, and really believe in the fear to enjoy it. But you’re all film experts, so I don’t need to tell you that. But I did, so what are you going to do?

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As well as this, Nosferatu (Max Schreck), direction is far less theatrical than most characters played in silent film (that’s not an insult to other silent films, the theatrical style is needed to replace sound – also silent stars had just come from theatre, it’s just the style), this difference is noticeable and the fact it isn’t ‘the norm’ just adds to its eeriness.

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Once again, I haven’t posted in a while again…so I’m posting this part of the post now. More will follow…

WAZZUP. Sorry. Hello.

Okay, so between episode 1 and 2 I thought I’d write a normal post, not as film related. 

I know I have no followers on here but I hope to one day obtain one (maybe two), and maybe that one (or two) follower (or followers) will scroll down and read this.

I began my blog last Easter in my first year of Uni, but uni is too fun for blogs so I stopped. Now I have no friends and have chosen to spend my Saturday nights in the library, writing this blog, crying and masturbating under the desk. Just kidding, I would never cry in a library.

So please enjoy my blog, I was going to write it from an academic point of view but decided against it, I have enough of that to do at Uni, this blog is for my enjoyment and (hopefully) yours!